I reckon I could do 6 in a night at a push...

On the second day of this brand new year, anything seems possible. Yesterday’s new year’s day went by in a Cornish mizzle of a hangover fug and so, if you lot don’t mind, Scattered is seeing today as the actual start of the new year. The sun is shining, ‘Wanted Down Under’ is on the goggle box (wish I actually had a skill ‘cos you can live like royalty over there, god damn it, with have a pool) and the Scattered machinations are creaking back into action (don’t rush us, we’re dealing with some cheese-induced weight gain here).

Now, if you’re anything like me, your life sucks, you have minimal self-esteem and you are searching for some sort of purpose to your monotonous and empty life. Great, isn’t it? You can’t start the year feeling upbeat and you, yes you, loser-face, are in the perfect position to ‘reinvent’ yourself. But look, forget all that healthy eating, weight gain shit that other but less imaginative weaklings go far. You must resolve to be creative and, let’s go all out there, ‘interesting’. Think of the shopping and smuggery opportunities this gives you:

1.       New artistic clothes are required (think early nineties stripy tights, dolly shoes and crocheted accessories – I know I am).

2.       Buy a book, read it, tell everyone you’ve read it, make a smart arse comment about the protagonist’s inner turmoil, translate your feeble literary criticism into a mixed media, performance art, installation piece.

3.       Fully embrace the bohemian lifestyle by smoking bay leaves and snogging as many people as possible in one night (that seemed to work when I was 16 and, you know, sometimes the old ideas are the best ones).

4.       Look back at your earlier mixed media, performance art, installation piece and realise you’re not the artist you were hoping to be. Destroy it in a self-hating frenzy while listening to the Nine Inch Nails in candlelight. Sob hysterically while hurling abuse at yourself in the mirror. Look at the remaining fragments of your artistic ambitions lying at your feet. Realise that, shit, it looks much better now it’s been ‘deconstructed’.

5.       Be smug. You’re an artisit, by Jove.

Ah, so much fun to be had and as the first Scattered exhibition of 2012 will take place at the end of January – as ever, details and specifics to follow –  there’s no time to lose. 2011 is soooo last year.

See you soonJ

P.S. Can you believe it? The sun has now gone in. Bloody typical Cornish damp weather. I take it all back. Nothing ever changes. 2012 looks just like to 2011 out of my window. Ooh, what’s this, ‘Homes Under the Hammer’? Yey. Fuck change. I always thought it was overrated anyway. Put that kettle on...